Feb 20, 2011

Chapter Twenty

Chapter 20

Unfair

Shiho’s POV

I stared hard at the two teenagers from Osaka, judging their reactions as they heard the truth. The utterly unfair truth. Ran, she hardly lost a thing. Kudo was still with her. It wasn't even like she didn't have other friends. Akemi had been the only one holding my back, my only friend, my best friend, my sister.

What about him made him so special, that even the angels in heaven let him come back to earth? Just because he solved murders didn't mean he was that special. Just because he never got to say his feelings to his childhood friend didn't make him more worth than Akemi. Why couldn't any of them see that?

The boy looked stunned. Like his view of the world had changed. Figured, detectives had such a tiny view of the world. They had no idea what reality was like, everything was just so stiff with them. Logic this, deduction that, so irritatingly perfect.

The girl was surprised, but the look on her face was more like sympathy. She pitied Ran, for having him with her. For not being able to truly be with him in the sense that she and her friend were. She hugged Ran, and cried with her.

Who had been there to cry tears with me, when I let out my story? They just listened for the parts that would help solve a murder. No sympathy involved. Now, they were getting all teary-eyed for a girl who still had what she lost. It was so unfair.

I clenched my fists, and lowered my face so they wouldn't be able to see my anger. The loathing I had for them. Just because they couldn't see it didn't mean they could ignore me like this.

Hattori got enough breath back to talk again. "Well, that explains a lot of things. And completely changed my view on the supernatural. Here I was, believing that ghosts and such didn't exist."

Ran chuckled, probably Kudo talking to her in her mind. Telling her a funny joke, like he thought that too, or a memory that they shared. Just how was that fair? I wanted my sister back too.

I probably couldn't keep this bottled up much longer. My feelings felt like they were going to explode…

"Ai-chan," Ran said, looking down at me worriedly. "Are you okay? You look a little bit… off." I bet she couldn't find a word.

"How in the world could I be okay?" I asked. "I just lost my sister yesterday, I'm stuck as a little kid, I found out Kudo's in your head and Akemi's not in mine, and so many other things! How is it fair? You just about everything!" My voice rose to a shriek, and they each fell silent.

Their faces filled up with guilt for not seeing what I had hidden, worry from my outburst, but where was their sympathy? Just because I acted like a rock, didn't mean I was one. The boy was a detective of all people, he must have seen feelings like this all the time. Maybe he just didn't care anymore.

"I'm sorry, Ai-chan." Ran bent down so she could talk to me at eye level. "I didn't realize that you thought so strongly about it." Her voice was sincere, understanding in a sense. It was what I had been waiting to hear; however, it was-what was the word?- forced. "I don't think this will happen, but it took about a day for Shinichi to come to me."

I didn't want to be pitied in that sense. It was unfair that I couldn't be with my sister, but I didn't necessarily need her with me all of the time. I just wanted to know that everybody had the same privileges. And Ran had one that nobody else seemed to have.

"It's not that, it's that you have him. No one else has the dead with them. Why should you?" It was no longer about Akemi and Kudo. It was about me and Ran.

"I said I don't know already, Ai-chan." Her voice was somewhat exasperated, I'd already made her repeat it several times.

A knock came from the door. "We're the press, we've been granted permission to come in."

"Here already?" said Hattori, sighing. "I'd wanted a little bit of peace and alone time. Oh well, better sooner than later I guess."

I envied him as well. His carefree nature, and the confidence that radiated from him. I wondered what Kudo had been like, probably the same. Everybody else was different, no one knew the life I'd been forced to live. I wanted to end it, just like I had in the cell. But I didn't have the APTX, so how would I do it this time? Sure a knife would work, but I didn't want to bleed to death. I didn't have access to a gun either.

When it's time, I thought. When it's time to finally let go of life.

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